Have you ever had to cut someone out of your life? I have. Many, many times.

And I’ve heard more than once that cutting someone completely out of your life is rude or cold-hearted. I’ve been told that it is a sign of being toxic and fickle.

Which is absolute bullsh**, because cutting someone out is not cold, it’s necessary. When you realize “This person is seriously messing with me, and they have no respect for my personal space. They make me scared/nervous/uncomfortable,” you absolutely can cut them out of your life, and good riddance.

This is a subject that has been on my mind pretty often lately, so I’d like to offer my thoughts on it.

I was having a conversation with my mom about one of my previous posts talking about the value in feeling discomfort, and we were talking about the difference between breaking out of your boundaries to challenge new things, and making boundaries to feel comfortable in relationships. Then, I realized I should clarify: I’m not asking you to put yourself in an unsafe environment in order to break out of your comfort zone. Because, while you might be striving to understand another person, they may be thinking they have permission to manipulate you because of that grace you are giving them. Thats why boundaries are incredibly important, and most of my life for the past year has involved learning where I want to draw my lines with people.

Your comfort zone in life is somewhat different from your comfort zone in relationships. Relationships with people need boundaries, because our understanding of respect is different. Some people have never learned to respect another person’s value or limitations. But this is a fact: we all have value as human beings, and we all have limits we don’t cross. In any relationship, there are places you don’t want a person to go, and only you know where that is. Just like in life, we have basic principles that we stand on, and those principles are immovable. And, especially in relationships, sometimes we have to make a lot of rules with ourselves about where the line is drawn in the event those principles are violated.

It took me a long time to stand up for my boundaries. Even though I was constantly stressed, anxious, and uncomfortable, I wouldn’t stand on my line in the sand. But I have gradually realized, just in the last year- no, the last six months, even, that the only one who can make sure my boundaries are upheld and respected is me. Other people are not going to protect me, it’s not their job to do so. It’s our job to make sure we put up our walls of stone when people cross our line in the sand.

And cutting people out of your life is part of that. There are people who either cross the line repeatedly, without remorse or correction, or people who ignore the fact that there might be a line there at all. There are people who, right off the bat, completely ignore the fact that you are a person with value and limits, and disrespect you. And they behave as though this is something you should be comfortable with, like it is normal.

Nope.

There is no reason for them to do anything to you that you did not give them permission to do. If they violate the basic principles of their role in your life (friend, teacher, boss, coworker, significant other, or even stranger), and you immediately feel confused and uncomfortable with what they did, you have every right to call them on it. You don’t always have to confront them, but you need to make sure you take note of the fact that they did something you did not feel comfortable with, and it was outside of what is normal for someone to do in that position. You have to decide: “Is this where I build my wall? Or do I wait and give them the benefit of the doubt?”

I’m very good at giving people the benefit of the doubt. It’s practically been my specialty since I was a kid. People could lie to my face, give me the creeps, or totally disrespect me and my opinion, and I would just sigh and think, Well, they just think differently from me. Look, they have all these other good qualities! Surely I shouldn’t cut them out just because of a couple of boundary violations.

And every time, I would walk away hurt and broken, after months or even years of crying in secret because I was so hurt by the constant disrespect of my value and hard work. The chances and opportunities I gave so generously to others were never available to me in our relationship, and yet I would still think that they weren’t a bad person, they just don’t know how to respect others.

In the past year, I started to draw lines. See, I was so, so tired. I felt exhausted just talking to another person. I began to wonder if they would also try to use me and ignore my lines. And that’s when it finally clicked in my mind: those lines were mine, which means I have to be the one who stands on them and protects them, I have to build my own walls of stone on them. And when I thought about it, I imagined something like a scene from a fantasy film or a video game: the lines are there, drawn in the sand on a beautiful beach, and someone walks up to the lines and tries to cross them. Then a bunch of stones fly up from the beach and sand to build up a wall, and wherever this person tries to cross, the wall shifts to block them, no matter which way they go (your welcome for the unexpected trip into my imagination, it’s a fun, but somewhat random place to be. Next time, I’ll bring some background music). But that’s what I needed to do: I needed to make sure that a person who tries to cross my lines and disrespects me is blocked completely from invading my comfort zone. So I started to draw my lines.

It wasn’t necessarily smooth. A lot of people were hurt, and felt I was being mean or cold. But I decided that if upholding my boundaries makes me a so-called mean person, I could live with that. After all, I had spent all this time with people clearly showing I am a warm, loving person, and yet, as soon as I say enough is enough, I’m an awful human being. At first I wondered, Are they right? Am I making too many snap judgments of people? Am I not taking responsibility for my role in this relationship? Then I realized, um, no. Being clear about where we stand in our relationship, whether they be a coworker, an acquaintance, a boyfriend, or a teacher; is not mean at all, it is taking responsibility for the relationship we have.

Inevitably, we will offend or hurt people in this life. But understanding our role in that is important: were they hurt because I was being malicious or purposely cruel? Or are they hurt because I wouldn’t let them get their way? If it’s the latter, that’s a ‘them’ problem, it’s not a ‘me’ problem. Compromise can only go so far.

Making my line in the sand clearly a wall to them is not being cruel or cold, it’s setting rules, it’s protecting myself.

And to add onto my other post of breaking out of our comfort zone: setting boundaries are actually an important aspect, or rather, an essential tool, in breaking out of our comfort zones. If you are unable to stand on your line, you’re going to get trampled by all the people in the world unwilling to have basic respect for other people. And there are a lot of those violators in the world. If you can’t set boundaries, you may end up retreating to your quiet back corner, setting up your wall of thorns as you go. The wall of thorns won’t protect you completely, although it will certainly keep away all the healthy people who want to show you love or kindness, because they won’t be willing to keep being torn apart while trying to love you. Eventually, they have to draw their own line. That wall of thorns won’t keep you safe, it only isolates you and traps you inside it. The wall of stone on our line in the sand keeps all those who are not allowed to cross out, and it is taken down for those who are worthy of our time and affection.

In order to move forward in life, you have to be able to set those boundaries and uphold them. It is important for progress and it is important in order for you to be happy. Fear will always follow you around if you are afraid to stand up for yourself. It will only leave if you tell it to go, and when you stand firm on your principles. Be willing to stand on your line and say, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” (Any Lord of the Rings fans? No? I can’t be the only one with a JRR Tolkien obsessed brother).

You will be so glad you stood firm when the relationships you have are all full of people who respect and love you for who you are, lines and all.