When I was two years old, I went to the store with my mother to get groceries and supplies. For whatever reason (didn’t get a toy I wanted, didn’t get the food I wanted, Mom wasn’t listening to me prattle on and on, etc) I got mad, and I began to cry and wail. My mom ignored me, so I threw myself on the floor and began to scream and cry and kick in an Academy Award-worthy tantrum.

My mom glanced at me, then walked past me, continuing down the aisle.

She didn’t say a word, just walked away, and continued what she was doing. After a moment, realizing she wasn’t coming back, I pulled myself to my feet and scampered after her, sniffling and red-eyed, but otherwise quiet.

Why am I telling you a story of my embarrassing behavior as a child? Because, for some reason, people still seem to think that throwing a tantrum will get them what they want. Whether it’s looting, burning buildings, throwing bricks at cop cars, or waving a gun around, people seem to think that violent expressions of how they ‘feel,’ will award them with whatever it is they think they need (if anything, these cases of escalated violence seem to be proving the exact opposite of what they say they want to prove).

Now, it is the American people’s Constitutional right to protest and confront their government when they believe there is injustice. (And I believe as human beings, we have the right to express our opinions to the government, whether they like it or not). However, our standard of injustice seems to have been shifted from ‘not having the freedom to pursue our purposes’ to ‘whoever feels their life is unfair’ or ‘whoever feels victimized at the moment.’ Victim mentality seems to be running rampant in our society, and I’m honestly confused as to why. I’ve been around people from multiple ethnicities, cultures, and nations, and although I empathize with them to a certain extent, I don’t think everyone in the world is out to get them.

You could say it’s because I’m white, but let’s be clear: I grew up in Hawaii, where the minority is the white people. Not only that, but some Hawaiian and local people heavily dislike white people, and they will make sure you know it. My dad grew up in Oahu and Maui in the 60’s and 70’s. He learned to fight because he knew he was going to be beaten up just for being white. Even now, you can be kicked out of, or not welcome in, places just because you are white in Hawaii. So you want to say I don’t know what discrimination or persecution looks like? Think again. I’ve lived it.

That’s why I will never understand why it is our society’s knee-jerk reaction to destroy what other people have because they are angry. When Martin Luther King marched peacefully, it wasn’t like the people in that crowd weren’t angry or burning with fury at the injustices they had to face, but they set it aside because they knew that if they showed that fury, everything they said before or afterwards would be forgotten. The only thing people would see was another angry mob, intent on taking from the current society and not on living as peaceful members of that society. Escalating a fight has never led to a good end, no matter what the situation is.

There’s nothing wrong with standing on your principles, but that doesn’t mean you get to drown out the opposition and throw a fit when they don’t listen. I know civility and mutual respect is hard to give when the other side is being an ass, but would you rather have people respect you for being a calm voice amidst chaos, or avoid you because you only add to the chaos? Think about it.

You’re still angry? Still have pent up aggression?

May I suggest blogging? It’s a great way to write out your opinions and find like-minded people. Or maybe do some research on the laws in your area and talk to your Representative. Or even, form a think tank with other like-minded individuals and present it to your local government to discuss regulations on local issues (whatever it is that you feel could be improved in your community).

When my mom was in university, she had a group project where they wrote about an intersection in their local area that was dangerous and had constant fatal accidents. They did extensive research and presented it so well, it got submitted to their city council, and a traffic light was added to that intersection to prevent future accidents.

As long as you can prove that there is a problem, and it is relevant to the peace and protection of your community, it will be taken into account. That’s why America was designed the way it is: so the people’s voice will be more powerful than the power of anyone with a government seat. That’s the beauty of a republic.

Even in other types of government, civility is the first action you should take. Before our forefather’s in the USA considered war, they first pursued peace. The Revolutionary War was not the first thing they reached for, in fact we learned that some of the guys who signed the Declaration of Independence first went to Britain to ask for an audience with the king, to try and make their voice heard. It was because they were ignored that they went to ‘Plan B,’ their secondary choice, of declaring independence. However, they didn’t actually start a war, they basically just told Britain: “Yeah… we’re done with you. Thanks for the memories, but I think we can decide our own happiness from now on.” It was Britain who escalated it.

The relationship you have with your community is actually way more important than the relationship you have with your government, though. The government was designed to be a reflection, a representation, of our communities. If we, as a community, are divided and harming one another, won’t the government reflect that? I suppose that because I grew up in a free republic, I see that government is only a means to an end. I do not think their job is more important than mine, or anyone else’s. We all affect each other with our actions, whether we are fully aware of it or not.

So if you destroy your relationship and your respect in the community because you feel they aren’t listening to you, are you really accomplishing what you set out to prove? Aren’t you just proving those who don’t agree with you right: that you are a problem they have to figure out how to deal with? The solution is not to throw a tantrum like an upset toddler, protesting at life’s unfairness, but to handle the situation with grace and civility. There is a reason why the whole world remembers Martin Luther King Jr.’s name, and never remembers the names of the people he marched to protest. Personally, I don’t even remember the name of the man who murdered him off the top of my head; I just remember that an amazing man was killed too young, but his legacy and memory sent ripples throughout the world. Isn’t that the effect we all wish to have? Isn’t that how we want to be remembered?

Think about it: what do you really represent when you stand in a crowd, and have that choice between being peaceful, or being violent? Are you making a choice that will be remembered as the moment the world changed for the better, or the worse? And maybe think even smaller than that: is your choice in this moment going benefit the people you are advocating for in your community, or is it going to harm them?

Hate begets hate. Respect begets respect. While it may not feel fair that you have to be the reasonable one, at least you know that your legacy for those you represent will be one they take pride in, rather than one they pretend never happened.