What makes us hesitate from being ourselves in our world? There are a lot of self-help books and famous speeches about “finding yourself” and “being/ loving yourself,” but why do we still fall into the same patterns, over and over again?

To love yourself doesn’t mean not taking responsibility for yourself. It also doesn’t promise a glamorous life, or all of a sudden knowing what is the right thing to do. What’s popular often gets confused with what is right, and we can forget ourselves while trying to achieve that worldly, trendy “perfection.”

But being ourselves isn’t as complicated as we often think. It does mean knowing your imperfections, and telling yourself it’s ok for them to exist. It means understanding your missteps, and seeking to be better. It means not backing down or being overly passive towards other people (In other words, don’t be a doormat. Been there, done that. Not a fun spot to be in. People tend wipe off all the crap they’re carrying around onto you). 

What is important is having respect for yourself, along with having respect for other people, as a person. And so many of us get that part wrong, these days. What I mean is, even though we think we are seeing that person for who they are, or seeing ourselves for who we are, we are still sticking a label on each other.

Our whole lives are about labels. Who is smart, who is funny, who is talented, who is popular, etc. Someone describes us once, and we think that is who we are. But it’s not.

See, even though we may have certain aspects to ourselves, it’s not all we can be. I had a friend tell me once “You keep acting as though you have a capacity, but the truth is, you can keep going as high as you want to go.” (well, that’s not a direct quote, but it was something like that.)

What I realized is that people are always learning and changing. Sometimes it takes a while, but they stop defining themselves by one thing, and start thinking they can be something more. Like a butterfly: the caterpillar waddles around absorbing everything around them, and eventually, after digesting everything, the right nutrients help them grow and turn into something beautiful. 

I also realize that I have labeled myself, and others, many times before. I defined myself by one label, and compared what I did to how other people did it. I often rushed forward, like a bull charging with its horns out, and its head down. I wasn’t looking in front of me, I was just trying to keep going forward. I tried to make things work, for the sake of what I thought other people in my life wanted.Mom likes this? I’ll like it, too. Dad wants this? I’ll want it, too. My friends think this is cool? I’ll try it. My school club needs this from me? I’ll force myself to make it happen. Society thinks this is what I should like? Well, I’ll pretend I do, like everyone else.

I mean, no wonder we’re all stressed out. We always think way too much about how we need to be perceived. We all know life is really messy. Acting like it’s clean and tidy, or easy and carefree, is pointless. Somewhere along the line, we thought we needed perfection to be normal, and messy is irresponsible. 

Why though?

My house can be clean, but my personal life can be a mess. My house can look like it doesn’t know what the word clean even looks like, but I’m still trying my best. And that’s what counts, in the long run.

I know how it feels to be labeled. I hated being told I was sweet, nice, kind, quiet, and smart. Those felt like words of people who didn’t even know me. But hey, they weren’t wrong. Those are positive aspects of my personality (although they always seem to miss the ironic and snarky sense of humor), but they are not all I am. Nevertheless, those labels started becoming who I was to most people around me. What frustrated me about those words was that they seemed to encompass so little of who I really am. I am so much more than nice (can I just say that the word nice is incredibly overused? If you know someone you would describe as nice, try and think of a better adjective. Seriously). But I didn’t like feeling like such a one-dimensional person, because no one is one-dimensional.

I do like who I am now. I went from that person, who defined herself by the labels people placed on me, to the same person with a little more spice thrown in (or maybe a lot more spice…). I have never stopped growing, despite the limitation of those labels. And I realized something else.

Most of the time, we misinterpret other people’s perspective of us. I was looking back through some things from high school, and realized. I… actually was pretty well-respected in school. Not popular, maybe, but people knew who I was. People liked me because I knew the feeling of an underdog, and would reach out to others, no matter what. I can be a social klutz, but people (usually) think I am a good person. My understanding of school social life was all wrong. And the reason for that was me looking at people with my own labeling machine, ready to figure people out in my head. My bitterness blinded me from valuing people as I could have, and should have.

All in all, the trick to being yourself in the present day is to drop the labels. Stop thinking of yourself as “this” or “that,” and just… do what you think is right. Not what the trend or whatever says is right. Because, 50 years from now, or even 20 years from now, what the trend says will probably be wrong. Don’t define yourself by something so narrow and specific, and leave room for yourself to grow. Boxing yourself in will only lead to frustration and feeling suffocated.

Again, this is not a license to do whatever you want, you’ve got to respect people for their own value, along with your value. Always be aware that other people deserve to be treated with love and respect, no matter what their mood is that day (Because maybe some people just haven’t had their coffee yet. Me. I’m talking about me).

But, just remember that you have individual value, and that you are not just lost in the shuffle, but truly an important part of this world. Drop the labels, and just live as you are, and you will find happiness in that.